I'm Not Okay
by Bubblxgum Bitch
Summary: Tabitha is slowly starting to lose himself—and with that, he descends into darkness. The question is…can anyone save him this time? (Future seamountshipping: Eating disorders are present in this fanfic)
1. Three Years Later

Three years should have been enough.

At least, that's what Tabitha thought as he looked back at his reflection for what seemed to be the fourth day in a row. He didn't mean to look at it so much, he really didn't. He just happened to pass by the mirror while cleaning one day, and had to stop and observe his reflection. He was regretting that, now, because the longer he gazed, the worse he felt.

It was fairly hard to discuss, his previous hatred and fear of mirrors. They only showed the horrible truth that he knew, the one he wanted to hide. He had become accustomed to getting dressed and undressed with his back to the mirror, so he didn't have to see himself. And if that wasn't a choice, then he would undress in the dark.

He thought he had ditched that fear forever, though. Three years ago, he thought he had pushed those dark thoughts from his head for good. So why would they be coming back now?

_'No. Bad Tabitha. Don't think of that. Don't think of those things.'_

He continued to repeat that in his head as he had done numerous times before. And with a bit of effort, he managed to remove himself from in front of the mirror. He focused himself on feeding his Pokemon.

_'That's right, Tabitha. Don't think of those things.'_

He set down everyone's bowls; Mightyena, Camerupt, Skitty, Koffing, Makuhita, and Golbat. He released them from their pokeballs, allowing them to go and eat. He watched as they happily munched at their food. At least they'd never be judged for—

_'NO. STOP. BAD TABITHA.'_

As quickly as he could without startling his Pokemon, he walked off, closing the door to his room, and sliding down to the floor. He kept repeating the same phrases over and over in his head, and each time he did, the thoughts would just resurface again. Tears leaked from his eyes, but he didn't notice.

_'Worthless. Ugly. Fat. Idiot.'_

He suddenly didn't feel hungry.

* * *

_Hopefully you all enjoy this, as this will be taking a different direction than what I'm used to writing._

_Also, I headcanon that as personal Pokemon, he has a Makuhita and a Skitty, so that's why they're here._


	2. Disconnection

Shelly hummed as she brushed her hair out, her Mightyena sleeping beneath her feet. She gave a soft giggle as she got up, careful not to wake her sleeping Pokemon, and changed out of her pajamas into a simple tank top and shorts. It was bright and sunny outside, and there was no need to waste it indoors. Before she had a chance to leave, her transciever went off. In a hurry, she picked it up to see she received a call from Courtney.

She let out a sigh; it wasn't as if she wasn't happy to have Courtney calling her, but Tabitha hadn't responded to a single one of her texts or calls, and it was truly starting to worry her. She figured he was busy, and she wouldn't blame him, but it still would have been nice if he gave her a small heads-up.

"Hello, Shelly," Courtney's monotone voice announced.

"Well hello there, Courtney~" Shelly greeted in her usual airy tone. "Now, what could you possibly need from me today?"

"Must you always…act so cheerful?"

Shelly let out a laugh.

"Oh, but I thought you liked my cheerfulness!"

A sigh came from the other end, but Shelly could tell that Courtney was also smiling.

"In any case…have you heard from Tabitha? He doesn't appear…to be answering my messages. Strange…he always answers when we call. I figured…you may have heard from him…seeing as you two have known each other…for a while…"

The smile from Shelly's face slowly faded as Courtney went on with her statement. So he wasn't returning her or Courtney's calls. That didn't sound like Tabitha at all. Something told her that there was something wrong with him, and something else told her that he'd be fine. As her brain contemplated this, an old memory resurfaced, one she hadn't touched in about two years. The very thought of it playing through her head could make her shudder.

'_Is…could he really…'_

"Shelly?" Courtney's voice pulled her out of her thoughts. "Are you…still there?"

"Yeah, I'm still here," Shelly answered. "I haven't seen or heard from him, either. Just thinking of him, you know?"

"He's probably…just busy." There was a pause. "Heh…since when is…he not busy? He's always…doing something. Ahahahahaha~"

Shelly wouldn't admit it, but Courtney's melodic laughter was a more than welcomed sound right now.

"Did you try asking Maxie if he's seen the guy? Tabitha will normally answer to him, won't he?"

"No…I didn't think of Maxie…he's been so distant lately…" Courtney gave a sigh. "I don't know…if anyone has really seen him. Maxie…I mean."

"…Mind if I come over? Maybe its better we discuss this in person."

"That would…be nice. I wouldn't mind…the company."

"I'll be over in a bit. Ciao, Courtney~"

"Bye, Shelly."

Shelly heard the click of Courtney hanging up. She let out a sigh she didn't know she was holding back; so much for her good mood. Taking out her Mightyena's pokeball, she called him back into it and left, looking forlornly at a picture of her and Tabitha back when they worked in Devon Corp together.

Tabitha was going to have to expect a surprise visit from them, whether he liked it or not.

* * *

Courtney was left staring at her transciever for about ten minutes even after she had hung up. Her thoughts raced through her head a mile a minute, wondering if Tabitha was okay—and why Shelly had acted so oddly. She knew that Shelly had known Tabitha for a few years, as they had worked in Devon Corp together, but she didn't know if their relationship was anything deeper than normal friends. Perhaps Shelly knew something that she didn't. She smirked at the thought of Shelly having a crush on him, and had to let out a laugh at this. The very thought of it was amusing; she'd have to tell both of them later.

Her mouth went back into its normal frown as she looked over at a picture on her dresser. She picked it up to look at it. It was of her and the rest of Team Magma together, all smiling, Maxie included. Putting the picture back down, she pulled out her scrap book from one of her drawers, with the word "Memories" written in neat cursive on the front.

She flipped through it, going from when she was in college, to when she joined Team Magma, all the way up to after they and Team Aqua finally chose to get along. There was one group picture of the admins and the leaders together.

Shelly was on Matt's shoulders while Archie was beside them, smirking at Maxie who was fighting a smile as Courtney and Tabitha argued. She smiled lightly. They all looked so happy together, something they hadn't done in a while.

Maxie had isolated himself slightly, dismissing anyone who came to visit him. Archie seemed to be the only one who knew anything about him; they seemed to have something going on, but she wouldn't pry. She still saw Matt on a regular basis; he and Shelly were often together, seeing as they were good friends, and had been so for a while.

She sighed, closing her eyes and holding the book closer to her chest. Maybe that's why she once hated Team Aqua's admins and leader so deeply; how they were all close with each other and friendly and social. She had wished for the same thing in Team Magma, but the closest she ever came was with Tabitha, and now he had shut them out, too. And Maxie…well, Maxie had always been distant, but not to this extent.

Reopening her eyes, she took in a deep breath and put back on her stoic expression. There was no time for her to think of the past. For now, she'd get the house ready for her guest. All the while, she couldn't get her mind off of Tabitha. It wasn't as if this was the first time he did this either. A bit of time after they had met, Tabitha had chosen to be somewhat sour towards everyone for a few weeks before he went back to being his usual self.

'_Tabitha…please don't shut us out again…you know you don't like to be lonely…yet you isolate yourself as much as possible. Why? Is it something…that we did?'_

Sometimes, the answer you wanted wasn't always the answer you'd receive.

* * *

_I'm actually writing this story at a fairly good pace, surprisingly…_

_As you guys can tell from looking at my past work, this is a MUCH different direction than what I normally post. Hopefully it's a good read. See you next chapter!_


	3. Isolation

_Before we start this chapter, two things to address:_

_This fanfic will be updated monthly, with one-three chapters per month. Most of the time, you'll get one chapter, but on occasion, you'll get two or three. This is so the chapters don't get backed up and I have to rush to finish one. This is the updating schedule and I'll announce on my tumblr (link will be up on my profile) if something comes up and an update has to be delayed._

_Second, __eudaemonics__ has bought something to my attention, and I apologize for not addressing it, sooner._

_If this fanfic has offended you in any way, I deeply apologize. It's not my intent to offend anyone with this, or with any piece of writing I make in the future. _

_Without further ado, let's jump into the next chapter._

* * *

Maxie frowned as he was met with Tabitha's voice mail once more. Tabitha normally answered when he called—or when anyone called, for that matter. It confused him greatly; he expected Courtney to miss a call more often than Tabitha did, and that was saying something; Courtney was keen on answering the moment her PokeNav rang.

That was that, though. He had another matter on his mind, and that matter came in the form of Archie.

He had no idea how it happened, or why it happened in the first place, but the redhead had found himself in love with the other man. He couldn't explain it; Archie was everything he despised. Loud, excitable, a deep love for the sea…

…and somehow, he still couldn't pull himself away from the other.

He had accepted a long time ago he was gay. While he was still closeted about it, he didn't really make try to lie his way out of answering when presented with the question; he'd just shrug and leave them guessing. But he never imagined falling in love with his rival, and now he was hoping that his feelings were returned in some degree.

Archie visited every now and then; as annoyed as he acted, he didn't mind when the other man was around, even before he developed feelings for him. He was helpful at the very least, and sometimes, he would even visit with May and Brendan. He hadn't seen anyone lately, besides Archie. Both of Archie's admins, Shelly and Matt, were doing their own thing when they weren't with Archie. Courtney was normally out on her own, and no one really knew what Tabitha was doing.

His mind drifted back to his unresponsive admin. He then thought he shouldn't say that Tabitha was unresponsive; he would be a hypocrite if he did. While he wouldn't openly admit it, he was worried about him. Tabitha had a habit of isolating himself, but he had no idea why. For some reason, he would suddenly stop smiling and would look very upset, and hide out somewhere with his Pokemon. It worried all of them when he did it, and would worry them more when he came back acting as if nothing had happened.

Maxie himself didn't get caught up in his admin's affairs and personal life, but his odd habits were concerning. Regardless, he was a social person and they enjoyed having him around.

Maybe Maxie was just over thinking things.

* * *

Matt rubbed the head of his Sharpedo as they surfed the ocean together. Currently, Matt was heading back home after an early morning surf that had gone into the afternoon. He did this most mornings, just to get out and spend some time with his Pokemon. Wingull and Pelipper flew overhead, calling down greetings to Matt and Sharpedo as they zoomed through the water. A smirk came to Matt's face as he and Sharpedo reached their destination; none of Team Magma's members would enjoy surfing on the water one bit, unlike Team Aqua, who lived for the sea.

After giving his Sharpedo another affectionate rub, Matt returned him to his pokeball and headed back up to his house. No one really lived in the base anymore, though sometimes, they would sleep there overnight. May and Brendan would visit, too. The admins and leaders got along well enough to tolerate each other's presence, so either one would visit when they liked.

He grinned as he thought about one Magma admin in particular, Tabitha. He adored him and his scientific ways, and he was cute and handsome, in Matt's eyes. Maybe it was love at first sight, and maybe it developed over time, but Matt had always known that he had a crush on Tabitha. The only reason he didn't act upon it was out of respect for Tabitha; he figured the other wouldn't be into him, and he wouldn't force anything onto him.

Of course, that didn't mean he didn't want to have Tabitha as a friend.

Once he was in his house, he picked up his PokeNav, calling Tabitha. Hopefully he picked up; he hadn't been doing so in the past few days. It was actually worrying; Tabitha almost never missed someone's call or ignored their messages. Just as he was beginning to think that today was going to end with him not picking up, he heard Tabitha on the other line.

"What do you want, Matt?"

Matt grinned, doing his best to contain his excitement. Finally, Tabitha was picking up!

"Wondering how you've been doing," he answered through his grin. "And I was wondering if you'd be willing to meet with me at some time or another."

"And just why would I want to do that?"

"Because you're always holed up in your house on your own."

"Wha-at!? I am not on my own all the time!" He could hear Tabitha's pout. "I have my Pokemon!"

Matt rolled his eyes as Tabitha got defensive.

"In any case, I guess I, Chief Admin Tabitha, could grace you with my presence."

"Great! I was thinking we meet at Mauville City tomorrow at around 12," Matt suggested.

"Fine then. I will be there. And don't be late!"

"Wouldn't dream of it, little Makuhita man."

"D-don't call me that!"

Matt laughed as Tabitha hung up. "Little Makuhita man" was a nickname Matt had made up for him back when they were still enemies. Even though everything with Groudon, Kyogre, and Rayquaza had passed over about six months ago, he still called him that out of endearment and affection.

Matt still couldn't shake the feeling that something was wrong with Tabitha, though. It didn't sound like he was busy, since he would have left a message if he was, but at the same time, there wasn't any other answer or possible reason for Tabitha's sudden isolation. Matt shrugged; maybe he'd find out tomorrow.

* * *

Shelly knocked on Courtney's door, unusually quiet. It had taken her around thirty minutes to get to her friend's house—fifteen minutes less than what it would normally take. She guessed she was really anxious if she was able to walk that fast, and she already walked fast as it was.

"Hello…Shelly." Courtney opened the door, inviting her inside. Shelly couldn't help but smile when she saw the red, black, and purple interior.

"You sure like red," she commented.

"I could…say the same…to you…for blue…" Courtney smiled back at Shelly. As stoic as she could be, she still had a sense of humor. "You know…someone would think…with the way you talk…about Tabitha…that you like him…"

"I-I do not!" Shelly denied. "We are nothing but friends."

"Denial…never gets you…anywhere…"

"As if you don't deny your feelings for Maxie."

It was Shelly's turn to snicker at Courtney's pouting and blushing face.

"I…don't like him…like that…"

The two were still snickering as they sat down on the couch. Shelly then remembered why she was here, and for the second time that day, her smile faded. Courtney must have remembered, too, because her smile had gone as well and she refused to look anywhere but the floor.

"…So what…do you think?" Courtney asked.

"I honestly don't know." Shelly hoped Courtney wouldn't catch her bluff. "I had a thought earlier, but I doubt it's true."

"What…was it?"

"Some guy we knew back in Devon Corp; I thought he may have come back to bother Tabitabi, but I doubt it. Last time I checked, he traveled to Sinnoh to work with another team of scientists out there."

"Sinnoh…is a fairly…long way…from here…" Courtney mused, agreeing with Shelly. "Maybe…he really is…just busy…"

"With who or what, I have no clue." Shelly shrugged her shoulders. A smirk came to her lips as she finished her sentence. "Speaking of who he could be busy with…you think Matt has a part in this?"

"Why would…Matt have…any part…in this?" Courtney tilted her head. Shelly gave a dramatic gasp.

"Why, you haven't noticed? It's obvious they have a crush on each other!"

"And how…did you…come to that…conclusion?"

"Is the nickname "little Makuhita man" enough evidence for you?"

"…I guess…it is…and Tabitha always…seemed to have…an interesting relationship…with Matt…" Courtney smiled and began giggling. "Ahahahahahaha~"

"Wouldn't they look so cute together?" Shelly was practically gushing at this point. She didn't outwardly show it, but she liked the idea of the two of them in a relationship. They would work well for each other in her opinion.

As both of them laughed and gushed about the thought of their friends together, they completely forgot their initially worry, believing their friend to be okay.

How far from the truth they were.

* * *

_Sorry, only one chapter this month because there was a problem with the chapter ordering and plot holes and things, and I have to reorganize and rewrite all five of the chapters I just finished and then work on the next three of them. So, sadly, updates may take some time, but I promise by late-March, early-April, you'll be getting a semi-steady pace of updates._

_Be warned, because this is going to be most likely the lightest chapter of the story for a while. See you guys until then!_


	4. Fault

_Woo! FINALLY finished this monster of a chapter! And I may actually update again this month; I haven't decided yet, as it IS a short month and I don't have any buffer chapters ready. _

_As a brief warning, **there is a vomiting scene at the end of this chapter**. __I know it should be expected since this is a fanfic with eating disorders in it, and the content isn't very graphic, but just so you're aware that the scene is going to happen if you don't want to read it._

_And without further ado, let's jump into the next chapter!_

* * *

Tabitha rubbed his Skitty's head as she sat on his lap, munching at her pokepuff. He softly smiled as he focused on her; his Pokemon always took his mind off of things, no matter what was going on. Skitty looked up and smiled at him.

"Nya! Nya!" she chirped, waving her tiny paws in the air, resting them on his stomach. She climbed up to lick his face. "Nya~"

"At least you guys will always like me," he said, sighing. He barely ate anything in the last two weeks, but that was alright with him. He would be fine, as long as his Pokemon were taken care of.

At that moment, his PokeNav started ringing. He frowned; he hadn't been answering anyone's calls for the past few days, preferring some time to think and isolate himself from everyone. Skitty jumped off his lap and picked up his PokeNav, careful not to drop it as she bought it to him. Tapping the device, she tilted her head at him.

"I guess I'll answer this time…only because you asked." He gave his Skitty another rub on the head as she settled down next to him, content with her work. Tabitha checked the caller ID and held back a squeak; it was Matt. He harbored a crush on him ever since they met; the muscular Team Aqua admin was very affectionate and extremely likable. Plus, he looked gorgeous to Tabitha. He never acted on his crush, though; he was afraid of what Matt would think and how he would react, and he was pretty sure Matt thought he looked horrible.

Composing himself, he answered with his usual annoyed exterior when the two of them met.

"What do you want, Matt?" It was hard to keep the grin off of his face.

"Wondering how you've been doing," came Matt's answer. Tabitha felt his face heat up; Matt was too considerate sometimes. "And I was wondering if you'd be willing to meet with me at some time or another."

"And just why would I want to do that?" _'Oh Arceus, Matt, I'd love to meet with you. I'd even kiss you if I could.' _His thoughts contrasted against his words.

"Because you're always holed up in your house on your own."

"Wha-at!? I am not on my own all the time!" Tabitha fussed, although he knew it was a lie; he was lonely at his house. "I have my pokemon!" He wished he had human contact, though…

Clearing his throat, he decided to give in to Matt's request. "In any case, I guess I, Chief Admin Tabitha, could grace you with my presence."

"Great! I was thinking we meet at Mauville City tomorrow at around 12."

"Fine then. I will be there. And don't be late!"

"Wouldn't dream of it, little Makuhita man."

"D-don't call me that!" _'Don't ever stop calling me that, you strong Conkledurr.'_

Tabitha's Skitty looked up as her trainer hung up and smiled brightly when she saw his fierce blush as he hid his face. She gave the equivalent of a giggle and skipped off to find elsewhere to have a nap.

Tabitha himself, on the other hand, had too many thoughts in his head to notice Skitty had run off. He actually managed to talk to Matt and not do or say something completely stupid. And now he had the day with Matt, all to them, and they could talk for as long as they wanted…at least until they had to go home.

'_And you're going to let him see how hideous you are?'_

He flinched at the dark thought, his good mood coming to an end sooner than he would have liked. He looked at the floor; he hadn't thought about that. The only thought in his mind was seeing Matt. Now he was going to have to pay for his decision.

'_He's going to make you eat. And Arceus knows you don't need to get any fatter.' _

So what was he supposed to do, now? He couldn't just call back and cancel on Matt, as it wouldn't be fair to him. He could always lie and just say he wasn't hungry, but if they stayed out for more than a few hours, that lie wasn't going to hold up well.

'_You can punish yourself later, should worst come to worst.' _

He tapped his fingers together as he thought of just what that meant. He'd rather not endure punishment, but if it meant he was another step closer to being perfect, it was a sacrifice he was willing to make.

* * *

The night passed over fairly quickly, and it was morning. Matt was down by the water from his house in Slateport, letting his Sharpedo get an early morning swim and the rest of his Pokemon time to play around before he left to meet Tabitha.

He wasn't the only one who decided to come early in the morning. There was another young woman there as well, sitting in the sand and drawing in it. Sharpedo was swimming alongside her Dewgong, the two of them laughing and having a good time. The rest of her team—a Gardevoir, a Ninetales, a Roserade, a Lopunny, and a Charizard—were playing in the water, save for the Charizard who was flying up in the sky. As her gaze met his, she smiled and waved, to which he returned her friendly gesture.

It was around an hour and a half later before the woman got up, calling her team back in. Dewgong nuzzled his Sharpedo in a farewell sense, and swam after her teammates and trainer. After everyone was returned to their pokeballs, she waved to Matt once more and walked off, disappearing off the beach. Matt decided it was time for him to head off as well, and returned everyone to their pokeballs. He was just going to walk to Mauville City; it was a nice day and he was a quick-paced walker. He was excited to see Tabitha. His sudden isolation started to worry everyone. He remembered Shelly calling him and telling him Tabitha hadn't been talking to them lately, one day before he decided to ask Tabitha to meet with him.

His smile widened as Mauville City came into view. He always liked the complex build of the indoor city. It was a maze you could memorize like the back of your hand, and you'd still find something new every time you went back in. Hopefully Tabitha hadn't gotten himself lost accidentally. He doubted he had done so, though; Tabitha was smarter than that. Matt himself was more liable to do that.

It was just 11:45, but he already spotted Tabitha there, his normal red turtleneck on. He didn't look like he had been waiting all that long; at most he looked to be there for around five minutes. Deciding to joke around with him, he quietly walked up behind him and rested his arms on Tabitha's head, grinning like an idiot when Tabitha jumped and pushed away from him.

"Hey there, little Makuhita man!" he greeted, laughing.

"V-very funny, you brute," Tabitha muttered, resisting the urge to blush. If only Matt could do that to him all the time.

"We've all missed you, Tabs," Matt commented, walking beside him as they looked around. "Were have you been?"

Tabitha mentally panicked. He didn't think Matt would ask him about where he had been. Thinking fast, he answered with the best thing he knew.

"I've been kind of busy and I really haven't had a chance to talk to you all."

It apparently worked, because Matt smiled again.

"That's good. You kind of worried the rest of us."

Despite feeling bad that he had to lie to his friend, and even more so his crush, Tabitha couldn't help but feel flattered that they were concerned for him. Looking over at Matt as he talked about something Shelly had done some time ago, he felt like he was on top of the world. Matt was so handsome and stunning, but as much as you'd expect him to be brutal, he wasn't. In fact, Tabitha would almost describe him as…

"…cute…" he mumbled. Matt stopped.

"What'd you say?" he asked.

"N-nothing," Tabitha stammered. He couldn't believe he just said that out loud. Matt shrugged. Smiling slightly, Tabitha went on with the conversation. "You know, she's done some pretty funny, but smart things when we worked in Devon Corp."

"She has?" Matt grinned. "What did she do?"

"Well…there was this guy who used to hit on her constantly, no matter how many times she turned him down. So, one day, when he was pestering her for a date, she went over to one of the female workers and flirted with her. The other worker was okay with it, and they actually dated for around a year."

"What happened to them?"

"The worker—I think her name was Sonia—moved to another region, and they decided not to keep a long distance relationship. They still talk from what I know." Tabitha smiled fondly at the memory. Matt was laughing, as well.

"That sounds like her. Looks like she never changed, huh?"

"I doubt she ever will."

They spent time walking together and swapping funny stories, from both the past and the present. From the time Matt fell off of his Sharpedo's back after a giant wave hit both of them, to the time Courtney was caught singing along to the radio into her hairbrush. By the time around an hour or two passed by, they were sitting down on a bench together in the park-like area of the indoor city.

If there was a day either of them felt closer to the other, then it wasn't being recalled. Tabitha would still fuss over being called "little Makuhita man", obviously, but he made no attempts to stop him, much to Matt's happiness. They were still unaware of the other's feelings towards them; one didn't want to make a move, and the other was too scared to do so.

As they got up to move on and look at the different shops, Tabitha spotted something that interested him. It was a Numel plush. It briefly reminded him of when he was younger, and he and his Camperupt, back when he was a Numel, would compete in contests together. Matt followed his gaze to the same plush and smiled. He'd have to remember it for later so he could get it for Tabitha.

Tabitha looked back over at Matt, smiling softly before he looked away again. It was nice to think of Matt, but being near him was like heaven on earth. He knew it was hopeless to ever think Matt would love him, though.

"Hey, are you hungry?" Matt asked. Tabitha was about to turn him down, before he thought about it. It was only one little thing, right? It wouldn't hurt him too badly…

'_Okay, so maybe this once I can make an exception…'_

"I guess so," he answered. They walked to a nearby café, sitting down and ordering; Tabitha just ordered a salad, while Matt ordered a burger; Matt paid for the meal. He tilted his head at Tabitha.

"Are you sure you don't want anything else?" he asked.

"I'm fine."

Tabitha picked at his salad, regret slowly building up inside of him. This was his fault, though, and he'd have to pay for it. He ate only the lettuce and the berries; he wasn't a fan of cucumbers or tomatoes in the first place.

"So…do you have anyone you happen to like?" Tabitha began. He wanted to know if he had a chance to be with Matt.

"Who, me?" Matt nervously laughed. "Nah, I-I'm not interested in anyone currently." He bet if Archie were there, he'd call him out right away on his lie.

"Oh. I was just curious." Tabitha felt his heart shatter. He wanted to tell Matt he liked him, he really did, but he was sure Matt wouldn't be interested.

'_As if he ever could love you. Look at how disgusting you are.'_

"Well, I should probably get going, now." Tabitha got up. He really just wanted to go home. "Thank you for inviting me out today."

"No problem. You should probably talk to the others, though; like I said before, they're wondering where you are."

"I will." Matt smiled at Tabitha and gave his arm a slight squeeze before he walked off, waving to Tabitha.

Both went home with different emotions; Tabitha with shame and regret, and Matt with doubt and slight curiousity. Their thoughts were shared, though.

"_He probably just wants to be friends."_

* * *

As soon as Tabitha got home and was in the safety of his house, he went to change into his sleepwear, avoiding looking in the mirror at all costs. He wondered why he even had that mirror anymore and debated throwing it out or giving it away. All he knew was that storm of emotions had built up inside of him and it was refusing to go away.

He wasn't upset with Matt, no; he could never be truly upset with his muscular friend and his affectionate ways. He was upset with himself; that Matt would never love him as more than a friend—and it was Tabitha's fault for being so disgusting. He walked into the bathroom, knelt over the toilet, and shoved a toothbrush down the back of his throat.

He was imperfect, and he knew that. He wondered if everyone saw how imperfect he was. Maybe they did, and they were good at covering it up. Tabitha was almost sure they laughed at him behind his back. Maybe Shelly was just pretending three years ago. Maybe she never cared for him.

'_You're a fool to think anyone would want to be seen with you.'_

He didn't stop forcing himself to throw up until he was sure everything he had eaten was out of him. His throat burned in pain, and he felt somewhat dizzy from vomiting so much, but that didn't matter to him. He wanted—no, he _needed_ to feel empty. He needed to be perfect if he wanted any hope of being loved by others.

But until then, he was flawed.

And flawed people didn't deserve love or friendship.

* * *

_That…last scene was actually pretty hard for me to write. _

_Also, I'm going to attempt to draw a cover for this story so you don't have to look at my horrible icon all the time when you read this. My art skills are bad, though, so don't expect anything special. My friend may collab on it with me._

_Well, until the next chapter, I'll see you guys later!_


	5. Spiral

_I'm glad all your feels are being crushed by this fanfic, because so are mine. And I'm the writer. So, what else should I do then crush our feels so more? ;D_

_And let's give my OC's cute little cameo in the last chapter a round of applause (shhh she's probably going appear two or three more times but I promise she won't be all that important every single time)._

_Anyways, hey guys! I was actually able to get a few buffer chapters planned out and I'm writing out the first two of them, so I'm updating again because you guys are awesome! Note about this chapter: This is taking place around four to five months after the last chapter._

_**WARNING: self harm is discussed in this chapter. **_

_Without further ado, let's jump into this chapter!_

* * *

"_You're the reason, you know."_

_Shelly looked up from where she was. It was a completely dark void, and she was just lying down in the middle of it. She stood up, looking for the accusing voice._

"_What did I do…?"_

"_You know perfectly well what you did. You left him on his own, kept to your unsuspecting nature. Some friend you are."_

_She stopped, horrified. Fiercely shaking her head, she took a step back and looked around, eyes wide. If it was warm, she didn't feel it, because she was shivering._

"_N-no, I didn't…he said he was okay, I helped him…!"_

"_Blind as usual, I see. I hope you're happy with what you did."_

_The void around her warped her to Mt. Pyre, in front of a specific gravestone. Shelly looked around, though she wasn't confused. A knot formed in her stomach as she remembered what that voice had said to her. She didn't even need to read the gravestone to know who it was for. _

"_Th-that…no, that's not…he's not…"_

"_Face it, Shelly! This was your doing! If you just told someone else, if you weren't foolish enough to believe he would be alright on his own, this would have never happened!"_

_Tears began to fall from her eyes as she tried to speak._

"_I didn't…I never meant to…"_

"_Tabitha's dead and it's. All. Your. FAULT."_

* * *

"NO!"

Shelly shot awake suddenly, panting and eyes wide in fear. Her heart was pounding so hard she thought it'd leap out of her chest. She felt sick and her head was spinning with all the thoughts running through it. She got up and went to go wash her face, which was wet with the tears running down them, turning her bedside lamp on so she could see where she was going. Once she was finished and she had dried off, she sat back down on her bed, tucked her knees up to her chest, and buried her head in her arms, back against the wall. The truth was, it wasn't the first time nightmares like that haunted her.

She thought back to everything that had happened in the past four or five months. Matt told her that he saw Tabitha, and then Tabitha called all of them assuring them he was okay. And he was keeping in touch with them, sending a text every now and then, and even dropping the occasional visit.

'_Tabitha's okay, he isn't dead, he didn't…' _

Her thoughts stopped there. She wasn't going to be able to deny it anymore; there was a high and dangerous chance that Tabitha relapsed. What else could explain his sudden desire to isolate himself? She couldn't bear to think of her friend hurting himself again, and she was just sitting here and trying to convince herself he was okay when he really wasn't.

She looked at her PokeNav. The time read 11:30 PM. Knowing Courtney, she was still awake, and right now, someone who knew Tabitha almost as well as she did needed to know what was on her mind.

"Shelly? What're…you doing…up this late?" Courtney's confused tone answered.

"I had a nightmare about something that happened in the past, and I have to tell someone this before I lose my mind."

"Go on…then…"

"Back when we worked in Devon Corp, Tabitha had an eating disorder…and I'm afraid that he may have relapsed into it."

Courtney was silent for an estimate of three minutes before she spoke again.

"Hopefully…you are okay…with me sleeping…over tonight…"

She hung up. Shelly sighed and went to wait by the door, knowing Courtney wasn't kidding when she said that. She heard a knock on her door ten minutes later; she guessed Courtney flew here on her Crobat. She didn't have to say anything except to step aside as Courtney walked in.

After they set Courtney's sleeping bag up in Shelly's room, the black haired woman prepared herself for Courtney's questions, knowing they were going to be hard to answer. They were memories Shelly didn't like bringing up, but if it meant they'd be able to find a way to help him, she'd be willing to bring it up.

"Tell me…what happened…to Tabitha?"

"It's a long story, and I have no clue where I should start."

"The beginning…is always…a good place…"

The beginning was also a long story in itself, but Shelly found a good place to start.

"Tabitha and I worked in Devon Corp together for four years. I know we share a weird friendship, and an unexpected one, but it runs deeper than just science and inside jokes only we understand. When we started working in Devon Corp, we were considered two of the best scientists there. We were liked among many, yes, but…Tabitha had more than a few people who didn't like him."

"Why not?" Courtney tilted her head, thoroughly confused. What was there not to like about Tabitha? He may have had a short temper and had an odd laugh, but other than that he was quite lovable.

"It's another story." Shelly sighed before she continued. "Well, in any case, they were awful, and I hope we never run into them again. On an almost regular basis, they would throw an insult or a passive-aggressive comment at him. At first, it was really petty, like teasing him for some pointless or irrelevant thing he said to me or one of the others. Eventually, though…it escalated, almost too quickly."

Courtney frowned, and chose her next words carefully. "They…went after…him for…his weight…didn't they?"

"To say they went after him is an understatement. I'd rather we not get too deep into details, but all I can say is that it hurt Tabitha in every way possible. Some of the nicknames they made up, the things they said…they were relentless with it. He tried his best to ignore them, but one day…it got to be too much, and he slowly and silently broke. He stopped eating almost completely, save for an occasional salad. He stopped laughing and smiling so often, and he barely let me hug him. On the rare occasion he did smile…it looked and felt forced. It was like he forgot what happiness actually felt like."

Courtney flinched when she heard the last part. Tabitha seemed so cheerful and uplifting on the outside. More importantly, he never seemed to complain about his weight; in fact, he seemed okay with himself. It made her wonder if memories of the past often plagued him. It would explain why he would sometimes isolate himself for a day. Her heart sank as she recalled a few weeks ago, when she attempted to hug him, and was turned down rather uncharacteristically. Now she understood why.

"After around a year and a half, I finally realized what was going on and I had to stop him from doing any further damage to himself."

"Dare I ask…what else he did?"

"He…He told me that one night, it got to be too much for him, and…he slit his wrist. The scars have since healed and faded, and he said did it only the one time, but…" Shelly didn't want to continue, already thinking of what could have happened.

"I didn't think it was possible to see someone more put down and emotionally damaged, but there we were. It was a long recovery process, but he got through it. It stayed between us; no one else ever knew; it was his choice not to tell anyone else what happened." She paused. "…I don't know why I didn't tell any of you sooner. I understood why he wouldn't want to say anything, and I don't blame him, but…I should have warned you all he could relapse…"

"You shouldn't…blame yourself…for something…you had no control…over."

"I know…but sometimes you just wonder if there was something else you could have done, if you could go back into the past and correct every mistake you ever made."

Courtney looked away. She knew that feeling better than anyone could have imagined. If she could go back in time, she'd change many things, more things than she'd want to admit. Her thoughts drifted back to their suffering friend. He didn't deserve to go through a single ounce of what he was put through.

"…Why…did he…relapse?" The question surprised Shelly. "He…seemed so…happy…and proud…"

"People can relapse for many reasons. They could be surrounded by people who love and appreciate them, and it'd still happen." Shelly picked up a photo of her and Tabitha when they were in Devon Corp. Both were smiling and laughing and they had their arms wrapped around each other in a hug.

"We have…to tell…the others. They…have to know…why he hasn't…been himself."

"Believe me; the idea of telling them has been gnawing at me ever since we went our separate ways. Like I said, I didn't say anything out of respect for him. Maybe I should have said something…"

It was silent for around twenty minutes. There only one question that was left to ask.

"So what…do we…do now?"

The answer was less than desired.

"…I don't know, Courtney. I honestly don't know."

* * *

Tabitha didn't like walking home in the evening on his own, when it was quiet and he could hear himself breath. He didn't like the dark in general. It tended to remind him of how lonely he felt most of the time. A giant void had formed inside of him, and he was unable to fill it, no matter what he did. He doubted it could ever be filled; loneliness had a habit of doing that to you.

After seeing Matt, he forced himself to talk to everyone else, and used the same lie he told before; he had been busy and never had the chance to tell them. It hurt to lie to them just as much as it hurt to starve, but he knew both were necessary. None of them reacted too badly; he just received a light scolding from Shelly for worrying them and a worried hug from Courtney. While he normally would accept hugs from her, he hesitated to return her gesture, fearing she'd say something about how fat he was.

He looked up at the stars, before he heaved a sigh and continued home once more. What were you supposed to do, when you wanted to cry out but you couldn't, so your hid your cries behind a mask and faked a smile? Were you supposed to tell someone else? Or were you supposed to keep it all inside and never let anyone in?

Shaking his head, Tabitha pushed the thoughts out of his mind. As he walked, he thought he heard footsteps behind him, but when he turned around, no one was there. He figured he was overreacting; he could be so jumpy sometimes.

"Well, if it isn't Tabitha!"

His blood ran cold as he heard the voice, though it wasn't so much the voice that set him off; it was who the voice was from. Turning around, he saw an old coworker of his and Shelly's from Devon Corp. He was taller than Tabitha, and wore glasses and had black hair.

"Didn't think I'd get to see you again," the man continued, walking a little closer to him. Tabitha backed up, biting the inside of his cheek. He hoped he never had to see most of them again. Right now, he was wishing this was all a dream, but he knew that would be too good to be true. Nothing ever went right for him when he wanted it to.

"So, how's Shelly? Still as pretty as ever, I assume?"

"…She's fine," he answered quietly, just wanting to get out of this situation and go home. Apparently, the scientist wasn't going to leave him alone so quickly, because he went on with the one-sided conversation.

"So, how have you been? Where have you been? It's been, what, three years since I last saw you?"

"Technically three and a half years…" _'And what a wonderful three and half years they were…' _

"Well, I've been doing well. I've been working in Unova, but I'm back in Hoenn to visit a few friends. And my, the surprise when I saw you. Then again, it isn't hard to point you out in a crowd, if you get what I'm saying~"

Tabitha surprisingly didn't have a sharp reply.

"You haven't changed a bit," the man chuckled. "You're still in the same as before. It's not a bad thing, though; just means it's easier to talk to you. Well, good night, Tabitha. Say hi to Shelly for me!"

The man walked off in the other direction, leaving Tabitha with a very sick and meek feeling. He turned around and continued home, tears welling up in his eyes. He thought of telling Shelly what happened, but he internally kicked himself for that thought. She had better things to do than to listen to his problems; they were pointless, after all.

It looked like that yogurt he left in the fridge was going to be put off for another day or two. Or maybe three; he wasn't sure. Just as long as it would take to forget the encounter ever happened.

* * *

_Poor Tabitabi…_

_In any case, the next two chapters are going to be fairly short (between 900 and 1,300+ words), but I promise, the chapters will push the plot along and will contain enough to leave you guys on pins and needles while I __snicker about how I'm cliffhanging you __cry because all of these poor dears are going to be put through so much pain._

_Until next chapter, see you guys later!_


	6. Calm Before the Storm

_Time for the expected filler chapter! Also, I'm the procrastination master; I was supposed to have this finished last week, but no. I decided to finish it later and update later XD_

_This chapter's kind of going to be light-hearted, and we'll just be catching up with most of the main cast. Without further ado, let's jump into this chapter!_

_Also, you guys may get a double update this month…_

* * *

Shelly looked down in her lap. One day after she told Courtney everything that had happened, she was left to her own devices to mentally prepare herself in telling Archie, Maxie, and Matt. She was busy going over the multiple scenarios in her head. They could end up being angry with her for not saying anything sooner, but at the same time, they could outright not believe her. On the positive side, Courtney would be there to help her, and they could believe her story.

She desperately hoped the last scenario was the outcome.

Shelly didn't want to stay indoors any longer, so she grabbed her bag and walked out of the house, taking a walk down to the beach. While she was out walking, she spotted Archie and Maxie, holding hands and talking about something. Maxie pouted and looked away while Archie laughed. She smiled and walked in the other direction from them; she wouldn't disturb the two lovebirds.

In the meantime, she sat down on the other end of the beach, listening to the waves crash against the rocks. The day was going to evening, and not many people were on the beach that day. She sighed, thinking of how she and Tabitha used to walk along the beach on days that they had off, and they would talk about different things; the subject always changed.

"Bro and Maxie are together? Never expected that to happen."

She looked up at Matt, who was walking along the shore line himself. She raised an eyebrow at him, standing up.

"I don't think anyone expected that." She smirked. "So…Tabitha told me something interesting a few days ago."

"H-he did?" Matt stammered. "What did he tell you?"

"Well…I won't name names, but _someone _bought him this adorable plushie of a Numel that he was looking at in Mauvile City a few months ago, but when he went to get it a few days after seeing it, it was gone."

Matt adverted his eyes, blushing as she began to laugh. Shelly was, to his knowledge, the only one who knew he liked Tabitha, though he had a sneaking suspicion that Courtney knew as well, thanks or no thanks to Shelly.

"So, when are you going to tell him?" she asked, nudging him. She had forgotten that for a moment, just for a moment, there were more pressing matters on hand.

"I-I'm not sure," Matt answered. "…Do you think he'd like me back?"

"I _know_ he likes you back," she answered. "After all, you should hear him talk about you."

"H-he talks about me?"

"I won't lie to you and say he acts all lovey-dovey, but I will say that he makes it obvious that he likes you." She then smiled widely. "Besides, you two would be cute as a couple~"

"I-I guess I could admit it to him at some point…but not now," he hastily added.

'_It's probably best you don't tell him now,' _she thought, remembering their current situation. _'His mentality isn't in the best shape for that.'_

"Besides, what about you and Courtney?"

It was Shelly's turn to blush, and she shot him a look.

"Wh-what's between us is strictly a friendship."

"Sure it is," he muttered, rolling his eyes and smirking.

"It's true!"

"I never said it wasn't." He snickered at her annoyance; this was payback.

"Yeah, yeah, laugh it out," she muttered, crossing her arms and looking away. She fell silent, listening to him tell her about visiting his mother last week. She was considering telling him about Tabitha now, so she could get it out, but for some reason, she couldn't think of how to tell him. That and the fact, they were in public; she didn't need everyone hearing their business.

A grin came to her face as she thought of something funny.

"Hey, hey Matt?"

"Yeah?"

"We should all go on a triple date one day. You know, a walk along the beach or something."

"Oh? And who would you be with, considering you're single?"

"Courtney could tag along with us. I guess it'd be a double date with the fifth and sixth wheels, though…"

"So now you're admitting you like her?"

"Sh-shut up! That's not what I meant!"

"You're blushing again…"

"Matt Ushio!"

* * *

Courtney finished washing the last dish in the sink, turning the water off and drying her hands. All day since she got home she was just cleaning up. Cleaning was stress-relieving for her; it gave her time to think about things without feeling rushed.

And right now, she was thinking on their current situation with Tabitha.

She wanted to give him the tightest hug she had ever given him, and never let him go. He was her friend; her closest one, in fact. They used to have nicknames for each other; she was Cookie and he was Cinnamon-Bun. She smiled as she remembered how they gave each other those names. They were joking around one day and she decided to compare him to a warm and soft cinnamon bun, and he decided to call her a tough cookie in retaliation.

She started folding her laundry, drifting from memory to memory of her and Tabitha. She remembered having a rather startling nightmare one night, and Tabitha allowed her to stay in his room with him. After that, she would go to him whenever she had a nightmare and couldn't go back to sleep. He never kicked her out or teased her for it.

And then they'd have nights where'd they stay up and watch movie after movie, and TV show after TV show. They'd have snacks and they'd make a nest of pillows and blankets to burrow in for warmth. Their night would go on until one or both of them fell asleep, and they would snuggle with each other in their sleep.

She missed it when they did that.

Where did those days go? The days where he would allow her to lean against him and take in his warm, soft body? The days where he would stay with her when she was lonely and they'd curl up together and just talk about whatever came to mind?

Courtney traced her fingers over a photo of her and Tabitha together, curled up in some blankets and their pajamas. Both were smiling, Tabitha holding the camera above them.

Did he not remember all those good times?

* * *

Tabitha was quiet as his radio softly played in the background, reading while mindlessly stroking Skitty's head while she purred. Mightyena and Camerupt were snuggled together, while Koffing and Crobat were rolling a ball back and forth to each other. Next to Tabitha, his Makuhita was munching on a pokepuff, bobbing his head to the music in the background. Tabitha couldn't help it as a smile broke onto his face. His team had bought him more joy than he could ever ask for. They were the only ones he ever felt okay around, because they wouldn't judge him.

He forced himself to throw up again that day. It was punishment for eating a sandwich he knew he shouldn't have eaten. He was only just noticing his clothes fit more loosely than he remembered, but he guessed it was just his mind playing tricks on him.

He gave a slight roll of his eyes as he heard the name of another depressing song come up. Judging by the name of the artist who wrote and sang it, it was just another song about someone breaking up with you and having to deal with it.

And oh, how wrong he was.

_One: hold your head high  
Laugh like today's your last  
But you know that laugh's a lie_

_Two: don't lock eyes  
Because that will reveal your secret  
The one you try to hide_

He had to stop to give his full attention to the music. He mentally scoffed at the words; he should know better than most how to act like everything was alright when it was truly crashing down around you.

_You put on a show of happiness  
But don't you let them see  
Don't you let them see your downfall and defeat_

_And every night  
When you're at home alone  
Let your teadrops fall  
But don't let your cries be heard  
And fake that smile for your life_

Every word was true. If he was being honest, then he couldn't recall how many times he cried himself to sleep before. If he added up the days he felt truly happy, he'd only get around six years out of the twenty-seven he had lived for.

_Three, put on your mask  
Because if those three words are spoken  
(Are you okay?)  
You'll know what you must answer with_

_Four, keep it all away  
so when you're alone  
No one can see your storm cloud of grey _

_You put on a show of happiness  
But don't you let them see  
don't you let them see your downfall and defeat_

_But every night  
When you're at home alone  
Let your teadrops fall  
But don't let your cries be heard  
and fake that smile for your life_

_And I know  
How much it hurts  
When you want to scream but  
The words get caught in your throat_

_And I know  
You must be tired  
You know you're not alright  
But listen to me when I say  
Just keep your head held high_

_(Fake it for your life)_

_You put on a show of happiness  
But don't you let them see (Don't let 'em see)  
Don't you let them see your downfall and defeat_

_And every night (Night)  
When you're at home alone  
Let your teadrops fall (Watch them fall)  
But don't let your cries be heard  
And fake that smile for your life_

_Fake it for your life  
Fake it for you life_

_And don't let your cries be heard  
And fake that smile for your life_

He blinked back tears as the song ended. He was suddenly reminded of a very dark moment from his childhood, one he didn't like talking about. Tabitha wondered if the singer knew just how much some people could relate to her song, he himself among those people.

With his Pokemon all fast asleep, he closed his eyes and allowed a few tears to fall freely. No one would see them, and that's how he liked it.

* * *

And that night, no one would know that it would be the last night that any of them saw any form of peace between each other. This was only the calm before the storm. Things would done, words would be said, promises would be broken, and most importantly...

A friend would be lost.

* * *

_The song used at the end, "Fake It For Your Life", is an original song I wrote myself. Please do not use it without my permission or without crediting me. _


	7. Breaking Point

_Alright. This is it, everyone. The chapter where it all goes to crap. The chapter where it all falls apart. The chapter before the chapter where everyone is going to sob their eyes out._

_The chapter in which I had the most difficulty writing because Arceus dammit, Writer's Block is a jerk. _

_ALSO: I will be posting all of this fanfic on tumblr after this update, meaning that, if you search the tag "INO" on galaxyofthegamers, you will find every chapter of this fanfic posted there. _

_With that out of the way, let's jump into this chapter!_

* * *

"Are you sure she's not planning anything devious?"

"Quite honestly, I doubt she would be planning anything like that. She didn't sound like it over the phone."

Archie was next to Maxie as they walked to Shelly's house. Earlier, she had told Archie she had something important to discuss with them. The two could only guess what it was, but Archie had a feeling it was about Tabitha—and that feeling wasn't a good one, either, judging by the hesitance and guilt in her voice.

They reached her house two minutes later, where Matt and Courtney were already waiting. Courtney and Shelly refused to make eye contact, Courtney looking down in her lap and Shelly keeping her eyes to the floor. Matt was uncharacteristically quiet, his usual smile not present on his face as he looked between everyone. Shelly took in a deep breath; it was time for any anger she may face from them.

"There's a long story that goes with what I'm about to say. And I probably should have realized it sooner before it snowballed out of control like this. When we worked in Devon Corp, Tabitha had an eating disorder, and I'm more than positive that he relapsed."

Before anyone had a chance to voice their confusion, she went on with the whole story, leaving nothing out. They had to know everything if they were going to be able to do anything to help him. By the time she was finished, she was looking at the floor. Archie now understood why she sounded guilty, his bad feeling confirmed to be indeed true.

"I'm sorry I never warned you."

"…On one hand, I am a little upset that you did not tell us beforehand," Maxie started. "On the other, though, I understand why you never said anything and cannot hold that reason against you. I suspect that's why he would often isolate himself?"

"You'd be right to say that," she quietly replied. "He's good at faking his emotions."

"The main problem…among others…is we have…no idea what…to do now," Courtney injected.

"What did you do last time?" Archie turned to Shelly.

"I confronted him once I realized what was going on. It probably won't be the best method if all of us at once went to go talk to him, though."

"And…why shouldn't we?" Courtney questioned. "If we…stay silent…he could…h-he may very well…" She didn't want to finish that sentence.

"He could suffer a mental breakdown…if he's not already suffering one now," Matt objected. "I doubt that'd do anything in anyone's favor. He's already fragile as it is. When the world feels like it's crashing down, being overwhelmed is the last thing anyone would want."

"You sound as if—OW!" Maxie rubbed his arm after Archie hit him. He was getting ready to scold him, before he saw the icy glare present in his eyes. Shelly herself was giving him a disapproving look, while Courtney was slightly confused by the situation. Matt was acting as if it never happened. Maxie silenced himself; whatever he was about to say to Matt would not have sat well with any of them. He made a mental note to ask about it later.

"I still say…we confront him…as soon as…we can." Courtney wasn't going to move from her position on things.

"While I hate to sound like I'm forcing anything onto him, I think Courtney's got a point."

"We don't have much of a choice in terms of options," Maxie added after Archie.

Matt and Shelly glanced at each other, silently agreeing this wasn't going to go very well. While Maxie had a point in saying they had limited options, and that talking to him would do less damage, they were also aware of how badly things could go. As Matt said before; when you felt like the world was crashing down on you, being overwhelmed was the last thing you wanted to feel.

* * *

Less than a week later, after much debate among them, they decided to let Shelly approach him; she knew about this better than anyone else, and he was more likely to tell her. She was internally panicking as she approached him that day in Verdanturf Town. She didn't know how she was going to do this. She mentally laughed; one would think that, having been in this situation before, she'd know what to do, but here she was now, fearful she would mess up. How stupid of her.

"Hi, Shelly," he greeted, smiling. She couldn't tell if he was faking it or not.

"Hi, Tabitabi."

"Don't call me that…"

"You seem to like it when Courtney or Matt say it."

"Courtney's a different case!" Tabitha argued, blushing. "A-and besides...Matt bought me that plush before, s-so he gets the right to call me that, now!" His blushed deepened as he thought of the Numel plush he saw in Mauville being presented to him by Matt, a huge grin on the man's face.

"Oh? And I, Shelly, the one whose known you since our days in Devon together, don't?" she said in an over-dramatic tone. "You hurt me, Tabitha."

Shelly let out a laugh at his annoyance. She forgot how funny he could be when he got defensive. Tabitha turned away, fighting back an amused smile and failing. While he wasn't going to admit it out loud, he missed when they would joke around like this. Her laughter died down as she remembered the task at hand.

"So...I kind of had something I wanted to ask you…"

"What is it?"

"The others and I were worried that something was wrong, and I was wondering if something happened." She looked over at him, searching his eyes for any sign of lying or of pain. She found none.

"I told you, I'm fine, Shelly." Something in the back of Tabitha's mind made him think of a similar situation, three years ago. He hoped the outcome of this situation wouldn't be the same as before.

"Are you sure? You remember what I said; I'm always going to listen to you, and I won't be upset."

"What're you getting at?" He frowned, looking over at her.

"I'm not getting at anything. Is it wrong for me to be concerned for a friend if they've suddenly decided not to talk to us, and later talk to us as if nothing ever happened?" Judging by his almost hurt look, it came out a little more aggressive than she intended.

"I wasn't saying it was wrong, I was just…"

"No, no, it wasn't your fault. I shouldn't have been so forceful." She looked away. "If anything, I was worried that...you know, you may have relapsed..."

"O-oh," he quietly answered. He hesitated for a moment. There were a lot of things he could tell her now, every single one of them confirming her current concerns. "I'm okay."

"Are you sure? You're looking kind of pale...and you don't look as if you've been eating lately..."

"I'm fine. Really." He forced himself to continue smiling. "I've just been busy. You know me when I'm busy." _'Good. Lie to her; don't let any of them know how weak you are.'_

"Focus on work before your own needs. Yeah, I remember pulling you from your house some days just so you'd get some air." She laughed with him at the memory, but she could see right through his lie.

'_Arceus dammit, Tabitha...can't you see how much you're hurting yourself?'_

* * *

If there was ever a moment Shelly wished she could be invisible, it was now. It the day after she spoke with Tabitha, and currently, Courtney was upset with him, both over the fact he was starving and hurting himself and the fact he wouldn't admit that he was hurt. Maxie was trying to stop her from destroying all that stood in her path, while Archie and Matt stayed out of the way. The latter was making sure Courtney didn't try to kill Maxie to get her way, the former unsure of what to do now.

"Courtney, please," Maxie reasoned. "I know this is upsetting, but you must not lose your head now."

"He's smart enough to know not to do this! So...so why..." She fell silent, looking at the floor and falling back on the couch. "Why would he do this…?"

No one had an answer.

"...We have to...go talk to him. All of us."

"Courtney, wait-"

"We've waited...long enough…" Shelly held her tongue this time, silently and shamefully admitting that Courtney was right. Any longer and something bad could happen.

Before any of them had a chance to react, Courtney walked out of Shelly's house, Maxie rushing after her. Archie followed them shortly after, leaving Matt and Shelly standing there. Shelly refused to make eye contact.

"...I'm guessing we should make sure Courtney doesn't kill him?" Despite having heard him with a serious tone before, she couldn't help but flinch slightly at hearing it now.

"Matt…what do you do when you think everything is going to fall to pieces?" she asked, looking at the door with forlorn eyes.

"Watch it come down and try to rebuild it...I guess." Matt didn't know how to answer that other than with what he did. Shelly was a different person, though. She liked to fix things before it could break completely, whereas he preferred to let things break as far as they could before he would attempt to fix them.

So now, as they stood with broken glass at their feet, they could only wonder if they could have done something sooner.

* * *

"Tabitha!"

The owner of the name turned around at being called, yelping in fear as he narrowly dodged Courtney trying to slap him and Maxie holding her back. Archie, Matt, and Shelly were running behind them, Matt lifting up Courtney and putting her back down behind Maxie and Archie, holding her wrist gently but firmly so she didn't attempt to do any more bodily harm to him.

"Um...h-hi?" he greeted in an unsure tone, looking at everyone and taking a step back.

"Look, we don't want to pressure you or anything, but...we kind of have something we need to discuss with you," Matt started.

"About…?"

"We know what happened back in Devon Corp," Maxie said. "And we know you're probably suffering the same thing again."

Tabitha looked at them in shock and horror, before looking over at Shelly, betrayal in his eyes. She refused to meet his gaze for a moment and instead looked at the ground to the side, biting her bottom lip as she slowly looked up again.

"You told them...?"

"Tabitha, I..."

"Why didn't you tell us before!?" Courtney shrieked, Matt gently but firmly pulling her back again. "We would have helped you, so...so you wouldn't have to do this to yourself!"

"I didn't tell you because I didn't want you to worry."

"You didn't want us to worry about what? That you may end up dying and you're just going to brush it off like it isn't a problem?" she shot back. She yanked her hand away from Matt while he wasn't paying attention. He tried to reach for her again but she wasn't having it.

"I'm fine, I'm telling you!"

"No. You. Aren't!"

"Last time I checked, your name wasn't Tabitha Homura! It's not your decision if I'm alright or not, or what I do!"

"So you expect us to sit back and let you kill yourself?"

That silenced pretty much everyone. Courtney was still glaring at him, while Tabitha was looking away. Maxie and Archie stood between them. Shelly was standing to the side with Matt, both unable to say anything.

"...Fine then," Courtney harshly snapped, tears springing to her eyes. "If you want to starve…yourself to death…then—then that's fine. Just don't expect me to watch."

"Courtney!" Maxie turned to her. His tone sounded scolding but his face gave away his shock. Courtney turned a deaf ear to him, storming off. Archie and Maxie went after her, while Shelly and Matt turned to face Tabitha themselves.

"You promised you wouldn't say anything." The hurt in his voice was like an arrow piercing through Shelly's heart.

"I…I-I only wanted to help you, I swear I didn't—"

"Well maybe your help wasn't needed."

She flinched at his tone, looking away just as quickly as she looked at him before.

"Tabitha, please…" Matt pleaded quietly. But, like Courtney, Tabitha had turned and walked away from them, leaving Matt and Shelly to watch.

Shelly hugged herself, closing her eyes and letting out a defeated sigh. It wasn't as if she didn't expect this to happen; Tabitha was bound to be upset with her for telling. But, what she never expected was for Courtney to completely lose it and yell at him. Maybe it would have been a better idea for her to stay back while they handled it.

"…I'm sorry you all had to be pulled into this," she softly said to Matt.

"Shelly, it wasn't your fault this happened," he replied, hands on her. She began to laugh, but there was no humor or happiness in her voice, so all that came out sounded like a hollowed, strangled sound.

"Funny," she said. "He said the same thing to me three years ago."

* * *

_Well I cried trying to write this. Also, a few references to bring up:_

_-That scene where Archie hits Maxie's shoulder before Maxie makes the comment on Matt's little speech is a shout out to my a few of my own headcanons for Matt, all posted on my tumblr. If you wish to see these headcanons, search the tag "aqua admin Matt" on galaxyofthegamers._

_-I will be using their Japanese names as their last names, so the names are as follows: Archie Aogiri, Maxie Matsubusa, Matt Ushio, Shelly Izumi, Courtney Kagari, and Tabitha Homura._

_Until then, see you guys in the next chapter, where things truly break..._


	8. Shatter

_And here it is. The chapter to end all chapters thus far. The chapter that will brutally murder all your feels. The chapter that brutally murdered all of my feels when I started writing it, from start to finish._

_Just a notice: After this chapter, _**there will most likely be no updates for the months of May and June. **_I have to work on the next batch of chapters, and in June, I have testing, and I'll be going away for about three days._

**_WARNING: THE CONTENT OF THIS CHAPTER MAY BE VERY SENSITIVE AND TRIGGERING. IF YOU ARE EASILY TRIGGERED, PLEASE TURN BACK NOW._**

* * *

It had been at least two weeks since Tabitha last spoke to anyone. He spent most of that time curled up in his room in the darkness, barely sleeping. His face looked as if he'd been crying for a long time, and the truth was, he had been. There was no life to him anymore, almost as if he was just moving because he knew he could, or because he had to-not because he wanted to. And no matter how much his stomach grumbled, he ignored it. He only ate when it got too painful for him, only to force it right back up out of guilt.

His clothes hung off of him and everything always felt cold to him, no matter how warm it was outside. It was getting harder to lift certain things up that he could lift up before. His skin was unnaturally pale and his hair was growing thin. He was starting to get dizzy and even pass out from constant hunger and fatigue. And if one were to look close enough, they could see a few of his bones were starting to poke out.

But he never saw this.

He was still too heavy every time he looked down at the scale. The numbers went down, but he was never satisfied. He'd pinch his side, still able to grab a handful of fat only he could see. The mirror just showed the same thing every time he looked in its direction. A small part of him knew this was wrong, but in comparison to the rest of him, there was no way he would stop himself from going down this destructive path now.

He looked around his room; everything was organized. The other rooms were the same way, clean and organized. Tabitha had actually taken a few days to clean his house, more out of habit than because he wanted to. It kept him busy physically, but it did nothing for him mentally.

_'Tubitha, Tubby-tubby~' _His mind sang insults to him daily. He did nothing to push them away.

Everything had fallen apart for him. Courtney hated him, Shelly betrayed him, Maxie probably only saw him as a tool in Team Magma, Archie probably never cared, and Matt…

He felt a fresh wave of tears come to his eyes when he thought of his crush, looking down at the Numel plush given to him. Matt was probably disgusted with him, now that he knew Tabitha's shameful secret. He deserved better. They all deserved better. Tabitha gave a dry laugh; he was a fool to ever think he had a chance with Matt, or with anyone for that matter. No one would love him. All he was was a Wailord.

There was nothing left for him in this world. He didn't deserve love, affection, friendship, or any form of happiness. What was the point in living if he was just a burden to everyone? No one would care if he was gone.

He stopped for a moment, going over that last thought in his mind.

_No one would care if he was gone. _

That was the answer to everything. It all seemed so simple, now. He just simply had to disappear, and all of his troubles would fade away for good.

He picked up his pen and took a sheet of paper, beginning to write a note of some sort. It took him nearly an hour, but it was done. It was his apology to everyone, for being a horrible friend. The sooner he got this over with, the better it would be.

He folded up the note and pocketed it. With silent debate, he took the Numel with him as well; he wanted just one last piece of his former friends with him before he left. He reached into his cabinet in the bathroom, taking out a bottle of sleeping pills. There were enough in there. Next, he took a knife from the kitchen, and hid it in his jacket pocket. He released his Pokemon, rubbing each on the head and feeding them; it was time to feed them anyways.

"I'm going out; I'll be back in a little bit."

He couldn't bear letting any of them know he wasn't coming back. This way, they'd have a chance of leaving the house when he didn't return, and resuming their lives elsewhere without him. They deserved better than him.

_'Thank you…thank you all for loving me.'_

He walked out of the house into the cool night air, heading straight for the route nearby, in the forest. It would be quiet, and he would be able to go peacefully; just how he wanted it. Taking his jacket off, he looked down at the knife in his hand, placing the blade to his skin. From there, he carved into his wrists. Fourteen cuts laced each of his arms like the stripes on a Zebstrika. He watched the blood spill from the wounds, smiling as he sat there. It didn't hurt. It felt like the weight of the world was lifted off of him which each slice that he made. Six sleeping pills landed into his palm as he poured them out of the bottle; more than enough to put him in an endless slumber. He swallowed them dry; that didn't hurt either. He fell back, feeling weak as black spots danced in his vision, something he was all too familiar with.

Everything, from sound to feeling, faded from him. This was it. He was free, now. His existence was a mistake, something that should have never happened. And now that he fixed that...he felt relieved. They'd be happy now, and their happiness was all that mattered. He weakly coughed, the chilly night air beginning to bite at him as the pills took their effect. As his vision faded, his grip on the plush loosened.

"I'm sorry…that I hurt you…I hope you'll…be better off now…"

The stars looked gorgeous that night.

And he was so close to them…

* * *

Shelly walked to Tabitha's house, tightening her sweater around her as a gust of wind went by. She felt horrible for what happened, and wanted to patch things up between them. As she approached Tabitha's house, she drew in a deep, shaky breath and walked forward. She wasn't going to expect forgiveness right away, but she at least wanted some confirmation that he didn't hate her completely, although if he did, she didn't blame him. He had every right to not forgive her at this point.

She knocked on the door, receiving no answer.

"Tabitha?" she called, knocking again. "I-it's me, Shelly. I…I came to apologize."

There was still no answer, but she noticed the door was unlocked. Opening it up hesitantly, she was greeted by Tabitha's very worried Mightyena and Skitty. Both whimpered upon seeing his trainer's friend and cried out. Concern bubbled up inside Shelly; only his Pokemon were out, not a single trace of Tabitha himself to be seen.

"Where's your trainer?" she asked, rubbing Mightyena's head. He gave a bark and pointed outside. "He went out?"

Mightyena nodded and gave another bark, running out of the house and whimpering again; he wanted Shelly to follow him to find Tabitha. Skitty and everyone else stayed behind in case he came back, so someone could tell her. With a feeling of dread starting to fill her, she ran after him as he followed Tabitha's scent. He wouldn't go out without his Pokemon; that meant something was wrong.

A wail of anguish from Mightyena caught her attention as she lost sight of him for a minute. He continued to wail, running to Shelly and tugging her off of the path of the route, in between a few trees.

And there was Tabitha, lying on the ground with blood around him. A soft, peaceful smile of finality was on his face, and had it not been for the faint rise and fall of his chest, she would have thought they were too late. Shelly ran to his side, quickly took off her sweater, and wrapped it around his arm, using it as a makeshift bandage; anything to slow the blood flow. She used his jacket to do the same thing to his other arm. There was a knife next to him, coated in his blood, as well as a bottle of pills, the doll Matt gave him, and a note. It took her only two seconds to piece together what happened and she gazed back down at him in horror. Apparently, Mightyena realized the same thing, because he howled in mourning, not liking the scene before them.

Fumbling with her PokeNav, she took in a few deep breaths, calling the nearest hospital she could think of, in Verdanturf.

"Hello, this is Verdanturf Hospital, how may we help you?"

"S-someone tried to take their life; they're bleeding to death a-and I think they overdosed. We're on Route 112, a little bit off of the pathway."

"We'll be right there, ma'am." Shelly was too broken to even be angry over being called a "ma'am." As the call was ended, she trailed her fingers over Tabitha, tears coming to her eyes. She traced over part of his ribcage before bending over him, listening to his fading, irregular heartbeat. A bit of blood had gotten on her, but she either didn't notice, or she did and she didn't care.

"I'm so sorry…" she whispered to him, wondering if she could hear him. "This is all my fault..."

Mightyena whimpered, nuzzling her. He didn't want to see her distressed. After a moment, she got up, backing away from him and waiting for the ambulance to come. She took the plush in her arms, knowing Tabitha would want it to be clean when he woke up.

_'If,' _her mind corrected. _'If he wakes up.'_

She shook that thought out of her head. He was going to wake up, she knew he would. At least, that what she kept telling herself. With only slight hesitation, she took the note and everything else; she'd return them to his house later.

And once the ambulance came, and they carried him off, she realized how useless and powerless she felt. She could have stopped this as soon as the inkling of him relapsing appeared in her mind. She could have kept his secret if she just did something sooner…yet she didn't. If she had actually gotten up and done something, they could have prevented an event like this happening. And that's what made her feel useless.

_'Some friend you are.'_

Her friend had been suffering and she didn't do a thing about it.

And now he was dying and she couldn't do a thing about it.


	9. Collapse

_Guess who's back, back again_

_Kitty's back, tell a friend *sunglasses and air-horns*_

_It's true, everyone! Through writer's block and issues with my laptop, I'm back and ready to pick up where I left off on this feels-assaulting piece! _

_Thanks for standing by, and now, into the chapter we go! Just a warning, there's a reference to self-harm in this chapter on a few occasions._

* * *

Azumarill chirped as Matt poured her bowl of pokefood. She munched at it happily as he rubbed her head. His whole team had been fed for the night and taken care of. The past two weeks had been quiet for him, considering everyone besides Archie wouldn't talk to anyone else. From what he was told, Maxie had tried and failed to talk to Courtney and Tabitha multiple times, and Shelly had just been reserved.

What was there left to do, now? Tabitha had shut them out, and no one was able to get to him, or was willing to go after him in Courtney's case. Understandably, everyone had been upset with her; Maxie scolded her the moment he had the chance. Matt's anger with her already passed over; he couldn't hold a grudge forever.

As if Tabitha's physical appearance was heartbreaking enough, the look in Tabitha's eyes was the worse thing to remember before he walked off. He didn't look angry, sad, hurt…hell, he didn't look like he had any emotion. He just looked like an empty shell of who he was once.

A knock at the door pulled him out of his thoughts. He put away everything he had out and went to answer, surprised to see Shelly standing there. She didn't have her sweater, there were a few red splotches on her shirt, and she was holding a piece of paper and Tabitha's Numel doll. Her eyes were red and puffy as if she had been crying.

"Shelly? Come here, it's chilly out and you're a mess." He pulled her inside, sitting her down on the couch. He left for a few minutes to grab one of his sweaters; it would be large on her, but she probably wouldn't mind wearing it if she were cold. He handed it to her and sat back down next to her.

"What happened to you?"

"…Tabitha's in the hospital…" she mumbled.

"How?"

"S-suicide…" She wiped at her eyes again, feeling another wave of fresh tears. "He was bleeding to death, a-and…and there was a bottle of pills, and…I could have stopped this, Matt, but—but I didn't..."

Matt didn't know what to say, if he was supposed to say anything. How were you supposed to react, when you found out that one friend tried to take their own life, and another friend thought it was their fault that it happened? Were you supposed to agree? Disagree?

Were you supposed to do anything in the first place?

Shelly's voice pulled him out of his thoughts with another whisper. "I'm w-was going to tell Archie, and Maxie, and…"

"I'll tell them," Matt input. Shelly was in no condition to talk to anyone without breaking into a mess. Shelly nodded and coughed a little, throwing the sweater over her head and huddling up next to Matt while he dialed Archie.

It went straight to voicemail, oddly enough. Matt texted him and Maxie about Tabitha, and after a moment of hesitation, sent the same text to Courtney as well; she had a right to know. He then turned his attention back to Shelly, who had been still the entire time, sweater wrapped around her and face hidden from view. She wasn't asleep; he could tell.

"Shelly—"

"I'm sorry…" she whispered.

"For what?"

"I ruined everything…I should have just talked to him first…but I didn't…a-and he looked fine just a few months ago, s-so we wouldn't suspect anything…"

"Shelly, you didn't cause this. You couldn't have known this was going to happen."

"But don't you get it!?" The yell caught him off guard. "I'm the reason he's _like _this! I'm silent, too silent for my own good! I never said anything, I wanted to think everything was alright, and then when I did something it almost too late! I always wait until the last second to do anything and now…Arceus dammit Matt, he could be dead by now and it's _**all my fault**__!_"

It was silent after that, her panting from her outburst and him too stunned to respond. She gave a defeated breath and sank back down onto the couch.

"I'm sorry…"

"It's not your fault, none of this is."

He hesitated for a moment before wrapping his arms around her in a hug. He lifted her chin up to face him as he spoke.

"You did more for him than I think anyone has given you credit for. Shelly, the fact that you _wanted _him to be okay and did something to make sure he would be is more than enough to show that you care. Some people are just better at hiding their issues than others, and Tabitha just happens to be among those who are able to do that. This wasn't your fault; it's no one's but the ones who caused him to do this in the first place."

She looked away from him again, curling against him without another sound. It'd be about two hours later before she stirred again.

"…I want to go see if he's alright."

"Shelly…"

"Matt, _please_. I need to see him."

The pleading in her tone silenced any other objections or protests he had. He set her down on the couch and went to get a sweater of his own, returning his Pokemon. Tonight was going to be a long night, since he suspected they'd stay at the hospital for as long as it took to find out what was going on with Tabitha.

"Come on, Shelly."

She got up, trudging slowly after him. He eventually wrapped an arm around her and trudged beside her that way. Rushing didn't seem right at the moment.

Then again, nothing had been right for a few months either way.

* * *

The house Courtney resided in was silent. It was the middle of the night, but she usually burned the midnight oil doing research or reading. Not tonight, however;

Courtney was curled up on her bed, staring up into space as she thought about everything that happened last week. Ever since she said what she did, guilt wouldn't stop eating at her. She kept beating herself up over it; how could she even think to say that to him? The whole point of them talking to him was to prevent something like this happening, and instead, she had made things worse.

Her entire body ached for about two days after the ordeal. Even now, bruises still lingered on her arms despite having iced them for the past few days. She swore to herself she'd never go back to doing that-she even promised Tabitha, she thought with a dry laugh-yet here she was, like the fool she had been born as. Was she truly nothing but a magnet for misery and trouble?

Her head started hurting the more she thought about it. That was a sign it was time to stop thinking about the "what-could-have-been" and think about the "what-can-be." She got up and stretched, grabbing her jacket and sliding some shoes on. She was going to head to his house to apologize.

Before she could reach the front door, her PokeNav buzzed with a text from Matt. She was about to disregard it as a scolding—after all, they were still upset at her the last time she saw them—until she decided to give Matt the benefit of the doubt; he was the only one to not berate her and he even tried to reason with her. She hadn't given him that chance. He wasn't the kind to hold grudges forever.

She wished she didn't read the text.

'_Tabitha's in the hospital; suicide attempt. Verdanturf Hospital.' –Matt_

The world stopped.

She fell to her knees, staring at the text with horror. This wasn't happening, this couldn't be happening. They were just playing some cruel, sick joke on her as revenge for what she did to him.

Every time she tried to convince herself of this, she couldn't.

She wanted to scream and sob her eyes out. She wanted someone to hold her and tell her it would be alright, that when she woke up tomorrow morning everything would be okay. She wanted to wake up with Tabitha still asleep and her snuggled next to him, that all of this was just another horrible nightmare.

No matter how many times she tried to will herself to wake up, she couldn't. Eventually, the stress of her situation became too much. Her legs gave out from beneath her and she fell, unconscious.

This was reality and she was at fault.

* * *

_It's like the more I write this thing, the worse it gets as I decide what I should and shouldn't do._

_This chapter was also supposed to feature a Maxie and Archie side of things, but I felt like it was going to drag on and have too many people in one chapter with too many perspectives to write 600+ words about. _

_Well, until next month, everyone, I will see you then!_


End file.
